My favorite Rumi poem

 One night a man was crying,
  Allah! Allah!
  His lips grew sweet with the praising,
  until a cynic said,
  "So! I have heard you
  calling out, but have you ever
  gotten any response?"

  The man had no answer to that.
  He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep.

  He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,
  in a thick, green foliage.
  "Why did you stop praising?"
  "Because I've never heard anything back."
  "This longing
  you express is the return message."

  The grief you cry out from
  draws you toward union.

  Your pure sadness
  that wants help
  is the secret cup.

  Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
  That whining is the connection.

  There are love dogs
  no one knows the names of.

  Give your life
  to be one of them.

Jalal Al-Din Rumi Translated by Coleman Barks with John Moyne

From The Essential Rumi, by Jalal Al-Din Rumi (HarperSanFrancisco, 1995), used by permission of Coleman Barks.

This is a true story--part 2

This is a true story—part 2

I lie down on the ground. Everyone gathers around me. Kris instructs them to put their hands on me and just connect with me as a being, as a part of themselves. He lets them know that my energy is low and that they can help me to reconnect to Self.

They’ve done this for me before, and I’ve been there for others in the group, so it doesn’t seem all that extraordinary.

However, if you will, take just a moment to ponder how amazing this is. We are at a birthday party. It’s not my birthday. It has nothing to do with me. Yet, when my spiritual family sees me suffering, sees me low, they took the time to gather around me and help me heal. That is absolutely extraordinary.

It reminds me of a story I once heard of a time long ago, when humanity was new on the earth. Back then, the story goes, there was no need of language, all beings knew they were connected, that they were one with each other. When they saw one of their own, in reality themselves, suffering, they dropped what they were doing and went to heal that being.

That is a story of an age long past, a golden age…but to see even a glimpse of that reality here on this earth, in this time. Again, that is extraordinary.

So, I am lying there on the ground of K2’s living room. Kris tells me to open to the love that is present there. I am having a hard time doing that. Part of me feels closed off. I notice that my body is twitching. I’m watching it happen, and I say to myself, “hmmm…that’s kind of weird.” (wouldn’t you think it strange?). I want to be in control. I don’t want the others to notice that I’m twitching, but there’s really nothing I can do. It just is what it is. I start to feel like I’m not the one in control here. I’m not the one in the driver’s seat.

The twitching starts to get more severe. I start to feel as if I’m entering some kind of trance. It reminded me of those healing ceremonies you see on t.v. from time to time. The being on the ground starts writhing on the ground, in a trance, as the healers work on him. I used to read stories about this kind of event, and even wished, at one point, to be involved. But never did I wish that I would be the one needing to be healed. Never did I wish that I would be the one in the position of weakness. When I read such stories, always I imagined that I would be the healer, the strong one, not the one in need of healing, the weak one.

Furthermore, I’m a pretty level headed guy. I see myself as a bit skeptical. I can’t say I’m the sharpest knife in the box, but I’m not the world’s biggest fool either. All I can tell you is my experience, what I felt as I lay there on that ground. And I’m telling you I saw my body start to twitch and I felt as if I were entering a trance. A strange place to be, let me tell you.

I start praying to God. I start asking for a healing. But my prayers are so fervent, so deep, so real. It’s beyond what I expected. It’s like I’m really sick. I’m really in danger. And I can feel it. And I’m calling out to God like a desperate man, looking for healing.

And I notice that around me, the energy has shifted. Kris and Kalyn start asking for Copal Smoke and Holy Water. There is something more going on here then simply looking for some kind of energetic boost. There is a real honest to God healing happening here.

I can hear them talking amongst themselves. They are saying that there is something in my side. They can see it. Some kind of entity. They take off my shirt.

Usually I’d be embarrassed in some way to be there shirtless in front of all these people, but I actually felt ill. You know that feeling that all bets were off. I felt like I was just a being in the face of the vast infinite universe, just a small speck, praying to be well again. So what did I care. I was just a body. A being. Somebody who would eventually die. And I was hoping that death would not come to me tonight.

The sprinkle holy water on me. For some reason it burns a bit. It hurts. I start coughing. All these dark memories from my life come before my awareness. I want to cry out, but I want to control my emotions, but I want to cry out. I just want to be healed. I just want to be well. I can feel Kris press in to my side. I start shaking. I start shaking.

“God, have mercy on me. God, have mercy on me. For whatever I have done wrong, for whomever I have hurt, have mercy on me. May all beings be healed. May all beings be free. God, have mercy on me.”

And it goes on. And it goes deeper. And I see the deepest, darkest, recesses of my Soul.

“God, have mercy on me.”

This is a true story--Part 1

This is a true story. It is one night in the journey of my Soul, that long long journey, the twelve inches from my head to my heart.

It begins with me heading up to see my spiritual guides, and my spiritual family. I am driving up I-25 from Albuquerque to Santa Fe. I notice that I am feeling more anxious than I usually do. I go up to Santa Fe to see my guides and my brothers and sisters on this path at least once a week. Usually I am nervous to some degree, but not like this. I feel like I don’t quite fit in my skin. Like there is something wrong with me.

It is a beautiful drive from Albuquerque to Santa Fe. Late winter. The sun is beginning to set behind me as I drive over this hills and mesas. I stop at a gas station halfway. I look up towards the mountains in the distance. The wind blows over the brush and grass. I think back to my two vision quests in those mountains. I am reminded of my intent, my deeper intent for pursuing a spiritual path. There was a time when I was willing to do anything to find God, to know my authentic Self.

I laugh at myself a little, but in a piteous way. I seem to have lost that intent.

How did it get to be like this? I have always done my best on my path, haven’t I? Everyday I wake up and try to find my deeper intent, don’t I? But I just can’t see it these days. Dark days, I think to myself, dark days.

I have noticed that all my thoughts, all my feelings have been amplified. Especially the darker ones. The night previous I had a dream that took me right back to all the anger, hurt and resentment I felt as a child. I woke up remembering all those times that I acted out of anger, out of resentment, and I hurt those around me.

There was this strange degree of despair in my heart. Like I was a failure, hopeless, and there was simply no way around it.

I ponder my situation a bit as I pump the gas, and head back into the car for the last half of the drive. I noticed that I haven’t been so truthful of late. At work I lie to people. At home I lie. When people ask me how I’m doing, I don’t tell them the truth, even when it is those who are closest to me, who would actually like to know. Instead I just pretend like I am doing fine.

Kris says that the ego is the body of pretension. Man, I’ve been pretending a lot of late. Pretending that I’m o.k. That I’m not hurt. That I’m not afraid. Pretending that I know where I’m going and what I’m doing.

As I get closer to Kris and Kalyn’s home I find myself feeling even more anxious, even more afraid. The sun sets behind me. This brilliant shade of pink reflects over the mountains, and glints off the thin layer of snow that dots the countryside.

I arrive at K2’s and I see the whole group inside. They look happy. They look like they are having fun. But I feel so far removed from them. There’s been this part of me that has projected my past family on to my spiritual family. And so I am hesitant to go in. There is some part of me that believes that my whole spiritual family, and Kris specifically, do not want me around. That my spiritual family would rather I just disappear. They don’t like me, they think that I’m a schmuck, a loser, worthless.

At some level I can see all this as just an inner child that’s hurt and never got what he wanted, so he’s trying to get it from those around him, and not being able to, becomes resentful. But sometimes awareness itself isn’t always curative. And I don’t know what the cure is.

I walk in the door, and try not to be seen. I sit down quietly. There are ten people gathered around, celebrating two birthdays, and the visit of two members of our family from parts away. No one seems to notice me, which is fine by me. I can just disappear.

Kalyn and Anita turn to me and ask me, “how are you, Joe?” “Oh, I’m not bad”, I say, “Hanging in there, you know.” They smile a bit, “Really…?” “Well, it’s about par for the course for me” I say. Whew, dodged that bullet. Don’t want them to really know that I feel like crap, that I feel separate, that I feel isolated, that I feel alone. Who the hell would want to share that? Who the hell would ever want to feel that vulnerable? Not me. Not me.

There’s a bit of wine being passed around, and since I like the wine, I take a few drinks. Not bad. I loosen up a bit, and start talking to those around me. Just passing the time, surface stuff, ask them about themselves, keep the conversation off me, keep awareness of me, don’t let them see me, don’t let them know I’m even here.

The night goes on. It is pleasant. There is something about being around these people that opens up my heart. It’s like life seems easier, less painful, somehow, even in my isolation, I can open, I can let the light out, or in, or both.

They say that the sun of the heart is always shining, but we block it, with our wall of pretension.

At one point Kalyn calls me over and tells me to go give Amber a kiss. She is after all the birthday girl. I have a hard time being put on the spot like this. I have a hard time connecting emotionally or physically when I’m around others. I get embarrassed. I feel ashamed. But I go do it. Just a quick peck. And I feel stupid and ashamed. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, why can’t I just be like everyone else, why do I have to be so goddamned self conscious. Why can’t I just be free?

Kalyn calls Kris over to show me how its done. He goes up and gives Kalyn a passionate, soulful kiss. And I’m just like, man, I can’t do anything right. I feel just so ashamed.

I got sit down, and try to pretend like it doesn’t bother me, like I don’t feel, like it doesn’t matter, but it does. I just go back to my family of origin. To the feelings I had there growing up, feelings of isolation, of not being able to express myself, the fear, the humiliation. You never wanted to be in the spotlight there. The spotlight was awful.

But still, this was not my family of origin. And no matter how much I tried to block out these people, there was this feeling of connectedness in the air. It’s almost indescribable. It’s this healing energy, that you can’t help but be effected by. It’s like you can settle in and feel at home.

Troy takes out a guitar and sings a couple of songs for everyone. He’s got a great voice, excellent on the guitar, you can tell there’s real soul in his music. He expresses his heart through the songs.

I believe in your life there are moments that you remember, that you take with you, that are just part of your story, and part of your Soul. Sitting there, in K2’s living room, surrounded by those people, in the dark New Mexican night, feeling at home and at peace listening to that music, meant something to me. I can take that with me.

After Troy finishes, Kris and Kalyn turn to me. They say, “Joe lie down on the floor.” So I do, thinking nothing of it, really…