This is a true story--Part 1

This is a true story. It is one night in the journey of my Soul, that long long journey, the twelve inches from my head to my heart.

It begins with me heading up to see my spiritual guides, and my spiritual family. I am driving up I-25 from Albuquerque to Santa Fe. I notice that I am feeling more anxious than I usually do. I go up to Santa Fe to see my guides and my brothers and sisters on this path at least once a week. Usually I am nervous to some degree, but not like this. I feel like I don’t quite fit in my skin. Like there is something wrong with me.

It is a beautiful drive from Albuquerque to Santa Fe. Late winter. The sun is beginning to set behind me as I drive over this hills and mesas. I stop at a gas station halfway. I look up towards the mountains in the distance. The wind blows over the brush and grass. I think back to my two vision quests in those mountains. I am reminded of my intent, my deeper intent for pursuing a spiritual path. There was a time when I was willing to do anything to find God, to know my authentic Self.

I laugh at myself a little, but in a piteous way. I seem to have lost that intent.

How did it get to be like this? I have always done my best on my path, haven’t I? Everyday I wake up and try to find my deeper intent, don’t I? But I just can’t see it these days. Dark days, I think to myself, dark days.

I have noticed that all my thoughts, all my feelings have been amplified. Especially the darker ones. The night previous I had a dream that took me right back to all the anger, hurt and resentment I felt as a child. I woke up remembering all those times that I acted out of anger, out of resentment, and I hurt those around me.

There was this strange degree of despair in my heart. Like I was a failure, hopeless, and there was simply no way around it.

I ponder my situation a bit as I pump the gas, and head back into the car for the last half of the drive. I noticed that I haven’t been so truthful of late. At work I lie to people. At home I lie. When people ask me how I’m doing, I don’t tell them the truth, even when it is those who are closest to me, who would actually like to know. Instead I just pretend like I am doing fine.

Kris says that the ego is the body of pretension. Man, I’ve been pretending a lot of late. Pretending that I’m o.k. That I’m not hurt. That I’m not afraid. Pretending that I know where I’m going and what I’m doing.

As I get closer to Kris and Kalyn’s home I find myself feeling even more anxious, even more afraid. The sun sets behind me. This brilliant shade of pink reflects over the mountains, and glints off the thin layer of snow that dots the countryside.

I arrive at K2’s and I see the whole group inside. They look happy. They look like they are having fun. But I feel so far removed from them. There’s been this part of me that has projected my past family on to my spiritual family. And so I am hesitant to go in. There is some part of me that believes that my whole spiritual family, and Kris specifically, do not want me around. That my spiritual family would rather I just disappear. They don’t like me, they think that I’m a schmuck, a loser, worthless.

At some level I can see all this as just an inner child that’s hurt and never got what he wanted, so he’s trying to get it from those around him, and not being able to, becomes resentful. But sometimes awareness itself isn’t always curative. And I don’t know what the cure is.

I walk in the door, and try not to be seen. I sit down quietly. There are ten people gathered around, celebrating two birthdays, and the visit of two members of our family from parts away. No one seems to notice me, which is fine by me. I can just disappear.

Kalyn and Anita turn to me and ask me, “how are you, Joe?” “Oh, I’m not bad”, I say, “Hanging in there, you know.” They smile a bit, “Really…?” “Well, it’s about par for the course for me” I say. Whew, dodged that bullet. Don’t want them to really know that I feel like crap, that I feel separate, that I feel isolated, that I feel alone. Who the hell would want to share that? Who the hell would ever want to feel that vulnerable? Not me. Not me.

There’s a bit of wine being passed around, and since I like the wine, I take a few drinks. Not bad. I loosen up a bit, and start talking to those around me. Just passing the time, surface stuff, ask them about themselves, keep the conversation off me, keep awareness of me, don’t let them see me, don’t let them know I’m even here.

The night goes on. It is pleasant. There is something about being around these people that opens up my heart. It’s like life seems easier, less painful, somehow, even in my isolation, I can open, I can let the light out, or in, or both.

They say that the sun of the heart is always shining, but we block it, with our wall of pretension.

At one point Kalyn calls me over and tells me to go give Amber a kiss. She is after all the birthday girl. I have a hard time being put on the spot like this. I have a hard time connecting emotionally or physically when I’m around others. I get embarrassed. I feel ashamed. But I go do it. Just a quick peck. And I feel stupid and ashamed. I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, why can’t I just be like everyone else, why do I have to be so goddamned self conscious. Why can’t I just be free?

Kalyn calls Kris over to show me how its done. He goes up and gives Kalyn a passionate, soulful kiss. And I’m just like, man, I can’t do anything right. I feel just so ashamed.

I got sit down, and try to pretend like it doesn’t bother me, like I don’t feel, like it doesn’t matter, but it does. I just go back to my family of origin. To the feelings I had there growing up, feelings of isolation, of not being able to express myself, the fear, the humiliation. You never wanted to be in the spotlight there. The spotlight was awful.

But still, this was not my family of origin. And no matter how much I tried to block out these people, there was this feeling of connectedness in the air. It’s almost indescribable. It’s this healing energy, that you can’t help but be effected by. It’s like you can settle in and feel at home.

Troy takes out a guitar and sings a couple of songs for everyone. He’s got a great voice, excellent on the guitar, you can tell there’s real soul in his music. He expresses his heart through the songs.

I believe in your life there are moments that you remember, that you take with you, that are just part of your story, and part of your Soul. Sitting there, in K2’s living room, surrounded by those people, in the dark New Mexican night, feeling at home and at peace listening to that music, meant something to me. I can take that with me.

After Troy finishes, Kris and Kalyn turn to me. They say, “Joe lie down on the floor.” So I do, thinking nothing of it, really…